2006 Lamb advertising campaign

My fellow Australians,
The incidents of unAustralian behaviour over the past year was enough to make me choke on my lamb chops. And it was all down to one thing, not enough lamb.

For example, Australian models holidaying in Asia would get in a less trouble if they carried a couple of lamb chops in their handbags.

Lamb could have prevented the boofheads perpetrating violence on our beaches. It’s bloody hard to bash someone with a cutlet.

And we might not have lost The Ashes if our cricketers picked up lamb chops instead of mobile phones. Why on Earth did they dispatch lurid text messages to English trollops when plenty of Aussie sheilas would gladly target their middle stump?

Yet as mishaps spread across the land like bird flu through a Chinese chicken coop, what were we doing about it? Bugger all. It's time to remind ourselves of what lies at the core of our national identity: a lamb chop on a barbie.

Being Australian doesn’t mean you have to call the opposition captain a wanker even if he is. Or smother everything in tomato sauce ‘till it resembles an outpatient in a casualty ward. Or pull on a pair of budgie smugglers. I’d prefer you didn’t. And you don’t have to spend every Friday night on the piss ‘till your best friend looks like Elle MacPherson, throw up in the cab, then trip over the garden gnome before passing out on your front lawn.

In fact, to be as Australian as I am, don your apron--mine says, "Chop Gun"--whack some nice juicy lamb chops on the barbie, invite everyone over--if you can’t pronounce their name, just call them “mate”--and celebrate living in the best bloody country on Earth. So don’t be unAustralian. Serve lamb on Australia Day.

You know it makes sense, I’m Sam Kekovich.